When you hear the phrase “self care rituals,” what comes to mind?
A bubble bath? A glass of wine? Maybe a night in with your favorite comfort food?
We’ve been sold a version of self-care that often masks deeper needs. And while there’s nothing wrong with enjoying small pleasures, many of the rituals we’re told will help us “feel better” are actually distractions from what we truly need.
In fact, some of the most popular self-care rituals – wine, chocolate, retail therapy, zoning out with TV – can be subtle forms of avoidance. Especially for women in their 40s, who are often carrying the weight of expectations, burnout, and body changes, these rituals might offer relief… but not recovery.
Our culture loves to market self-care as something indulgent and fleeting. But true self-care rituals should leave you feeling more grounded – not more disconnected.
The Problem: When “Self Care” Becomes Another Form of Burnout
In my Substack post Redefining Self-Care: Because Wine & Chocolate Won’t Fix Burnout, I wrote about how easy it is to fall into patterns of “treating ourselves” in ways that actually undermine our health.
There’s often this unspoken rule that we have to earn our rest. That we have to be exhausted, overworked, or completely depleted before it’s acceptable to pause. So we use food, alcohol, or mindless distractions to temporarily escape rather than actually care for ourselves.
And sometimes, we even feel guilty for doing the things that genuinely support us – like resting, saying no, or prioritizing movement and nourishment.
There’s also what I call the invisible pressure to stay unhealthy – something I explored in another Substack post, The Invisible Pressure to Stay Unhealthy. We’re often surrounded by social norms and environments that encourage habits we know aren’t serving us, but feel hard to break away from – especially when they’re labeled as “normal” or “fun.”
But self-care isn’t meant to be something you rely on just to survive another week. It should be something that truly supports your body and mind for the long haul.
I think back to those “girl trips” in my 20s and early 30s—pick a fun city, book a nice hotel, and spend three days drinking, partying, overspending on meals, alcohol, and shopping (including the time I drunkenly bought an expensive piece of art in Florida… still waiting on that ROI I hope to see in 30 years). Then I’d come home hungover, depleted, and head straight back to work to do it all again a few months later.
It felt like an escape – but it definitely wasn’t care.
How to Create Self Care Rituals That Actually Support You
So what do real self care rituals look like?
They’re not about checking out. They’re about checking in.
In my recent episode on The Intrinsic Podcast, I talk about how my back surgery was a breaking point—and ultimately, a turning point. It forced me to look at how I was living, training, and treating myself. I had to strip things down to the basics and ask myself what I really needed in order to heal.
That’s when I began redefining what self-care meant for me – not what the wellness industry was selling me.
One of the tools that helped me reconnect with myself was journaling – which I break down in this blog: Daily Journaling Tips (And What I Learned). Journaling became more than just a morning routine; it became a way to hearmyself again. To reflect, process, and notice patterns in my energy, my habits, and my thoughts.
That’s the real power of self care rituals. They help you tune into yourself consistently, not just when things fall apart.
Here are a few simple, meaningful places to start:
- Daily check-ins: Ask yourself each morning, “What do I need today?”
- Gentle movement: Walks, stretching, or strength sessions that support your body—not punish it
- Intentional fueling: Eating enough, eating regularly, and choosing foods that give you lasting energy
- Scheduled rest: Build recovery into your routine the same way you schedule meetings
- Breathwork, journaling, or stillness: Tools to regulate your nervous system and reconnect with what matters
These may not look flashy on Instagram, but they work; because they’re grounded in what your body and mind actually need.
Redefining Your Own Version
Creating your own self care rituals starts with giving yourself permission to listen.
You don’t need a 5-step routine or a perfectly curated morning to feel better. What you need is space to ask:
- Start by asking: What kind of support do I need today?
- Get honest about your cravings—physically, emotionally, and mentally.
- Consider one small shift that could help you care for yourself more deeply.
True self-care isn’t about avoiding discomfort. It’s about creating rituals that help you move through it with strength, clarity, and self-respect.
Want help creating self care rituals that actually support your health?
Start by mapping out a plan that works for your life. If you’re feeling stuck and don’t know where to start, let’s create a personalized roadmap together.
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